Damn. It’s been awhile.  I am not even going to try to write about everything that’s happened since I last posted.  But here are some highlights:

• started and stopped various medications
• developed tremors and significant memory so added a neurologist to my roster of drs
• had several elevated liver function tests so added a GI specialist to my roster of drs
• lost my appetite almost completely and developed severe sensitivities to lots of foods (sugar, white flour, dairy, etc)
• got super discouraged and started seeing a counselor
• got laid off (I work until June, though)
• started freaking out about my future

So here we are.  I don’t know what to do with my life, or I guess specifically I don’t know what I can do with my life. So much of my day to day life is defined by being “sick”, and my current job has actually been really awesome in accommodating my bad days.  I don’t know how I can go in to a new job, knowing that my mind isn’t what it used to be, that my body will fail me on a regular basis, that my limitations are sometimes overwhelming.  And yet, I know I am not sick enough to stop working altogether or to be on disability.  It’s like I’m functionally dysfunctional.

I have been trying to think about what I want to do if I were healthy, and I am trying very hard to talk myself into following that path instead of limiting myself.  I know that restricting my life so much puts me in a little tiny box, and I don’t want that.  But I also know that I can’t live my life like I am healthy.

I wish I knew what to do!  I suppose that’s where therapy should help.  If you have any suggestions on how to get past this mental road block as I figure out my life, I’d love to hear them!

On another note, my best friend told me about a conference that I am super excited about (she may be a speaker!), and I am wishing there were a local group for this organization.  https://www.arthritisintrospective.org/next-conference looks like it’s going to have a lot of really helpful information, and since it’s actually close to where I live I am going to try to figure out how to go.  Any of you out there going?

I’m off to nap– it was infusion day and I’m wiped!