I feel like I should warn you: I’m in a bad mood.
I really hate morning. I was never a morning person, but now mornings are so awful, so painful, that I just absolutely dread them. For whatever reason, the first two hours of the day, so many parts of my body hurt, parts that don’t hurt any other time, from head to toe I hurt. Oh, I am always pretty sure it’ll dwindle within a couple of hours, when the prednisone, naproxen and Lyrica hit. Til then I am miserable.
It’s hard to deal with mornings when you are in this much pain.
Add to that, no one in my house seems to get it. I mean, how can they? Until you have experienced this kind of pain on a consistent basis you can’t really imagine it. So the uninitiated, the normal people, can try but the most they can come up with is a stubbed toe or maybe even the time they broke their arm. After all, that kind of pain is bad, no one would quibble with that. But I don’t think that’s a good comparison. I am not saying my pain is worse than that, but that it is different. Having a continual amount of high pain is different, is wearing on the mind and body, in a way that short-term pain just isn’t. A big chunk of why this pain is so awful is the knowledge that it will be with me forever, that I may have breaks of days or weeks, but this pain is mine.
So no one in my house gets it, and that’s understandable. And I try not to lash out. I try hard not to tell everyone to leave me the hell alone until at least nine. Most days I succeed. But wow, it’s hard.
Today, it’s just a lot to deal with. I hurt all over (in case you’re wondering my pain right now is probably around a 6-7 from head to toe), and I have a full day ahead of me, including physical therapy, and all of that just seems like way too much to handle. It feels like too much to expect of me to handle kid pick up, acupuncture, physical therapy, dishes, dinner. It feels like too much to expect me to keep a positive attitude on top of all of that, to listen sympathetically as everyone else expresses their frustrations which seem so silly to me. I know I am being unfair, and I don’t care. I know everyone’s feelings are equally important, but today I just don’t want to do it. I don’t want to be kind and supportive and understanding. Instead, I want to take pain medication and hide. I want someone to take care of me, to be kind and supportive and understanding of me.
But…that’s not the way it goes. So, I need to pull myself together, ignore the pain until it becomes more tolerable, find some energy to go out and manage my day. I need to find some damned spoons, because it’s just not going to work if I am out before 8 am.
Yeah, I hate mornings. And pain. And pain in the mornings. But what can you do? This is my life now, so I guess I have to make the best of it.
Please tell me I am not the only one who feels this way!