I need this blog to keep me sane. I need some place to put these thoughts down as I try to adjust to the new normal.
I pretty much hate every time someone tells me I will adjust to these diseases, that I will have a new normal soon. I don’t want a new normal. I want the old one.
Six months ago, I was just a person who felt run down, tired, in pain. But I have had back pain for years, so I ignored it. Put it aside. Chalked it up to turning 35 and being overweight, to the long commute, to all of it. Six months ago I was planning my wedding, I was working full time at a job I enjoyed, I was finding a way to balance full time work and three children. Six months ago was normal.
And now, here I am. In the last month and a half, I have:
- Been to my gp, a rheumatologist, a urologist (and there is a dermatologist on the horizon)
- Had around thirty labs run on my blood
- Had an emg
- Had two ct scans- one with contrast, one without, plus an abdominal ultrasound
- Had xrays on my back, my chest, my hands, and my feet
I can no longer manage the drive to work. I can no longer actually do my work. I can no longer use my hands the way I could before. These things will improve, supposedly. But I have to say this transition period, as I adjust to new medicines and work toward a treatment plan, pretty much sucks.
I am blessed with good doctors. A supportive partner and children. Understanding coworkers. I am blessed, I know I am. But I am also pissed off.
In the last month I have found out that I have:
Degenerative Disc Disease (or Osteoarthritis, depending on who you ask) in my lower back
An unknown reason for having blood in my urine (we are still testing that one)
A small Hernia (which is small potatoes compared to the rest, I guess)
In the last month, I have started taking prednisone, naproxen, and Lyrica. Soon, I will also be adding methotrexate.
This is my new normal. Waking up stiff after crappy sleep, dragging myself to the kitchen to force myself to eat breakfast so I can take meds right away. Taking 8 1/2 pills with breakfast. Planning my day around my pain levels. Taking more pills at dinner. My day is completely shaped around pain and fatigue and medicines. Is this my new normal?
I know I need to accept all of this, and I need to move on. But I am so sad, so pissed off, so discouraged, and so lonely as I face all of this. Because everytime I complain to friends or family, I feel guilty. I shouldn’t complain, right? I should just accept it and move on. I should accept. But I just don’t think I can yet.
So yes, I need this blog to help me with the ranting and raving in my head, to help me face this and adjust to all of these changes. I am blessed, and I am grateful for those blessings. I will try to hold onto that as I stew and obsess and worry. All of this is the new normal.